The Empath Community and I

About four years ago I was looking up the word Empath, hoping to find a place where I could meet other people like myself.  I did that periodically over the years I’ve been online…usually to no avail.  But this time I came across a place called Empath Community.

 

It’s owner embraced me, as did it’s members.  And after sometime, it felt like a second home and my connection with those people much like a close nit family.  We laughed together.  We cried together.  And we learned with one another through study and sharing.  Even now, years later, each and every one of those people, from owner to lurkers, still mean a great deal to me for what each of them, in turn, offered to me by way of friendship, compassion, understanding and friendship.  They were my teachers and my guides along the road of self discovery that I walked.  And quite a few of them were the inspiration for many of the blogs on EP.

 

I became a moderator of this forum site, not to long after I joined.  And soon after that, I began to write the many blogs here on Empathic Perspectives, though at the time it was a group on Empath Community instead of a blog site.  As I grew in that position, of moderator, I began to steadily work with more and more of the people who came onto that site with question after question.

 

While there in the capacity of moderator, I witnessed fights amongst members, flame wars, heated religious debates, people attempting to play messiah to all of the wounded folk who came to EC, spammers, witch hunts, horrid apathy and ultimately, to many other negative things to mention in one blog.  I also witnessed compassion, like I’d never seen before, deep abiding friendships forged out of common interests and needs, and so much love, that it would either rot your teeth (for being so damn sweet) or it would melt your heart because it was so warm and welcoming.  More than once in my years on that site, did I find myself in tears, awestruck by the amazing energy that encompassed the site and it’s many members.

 

In the background of all that was happening on the site, I was stretching myself thin emotionally…ultimately to my breaking point.  Each new menace on the site took it’s toll on me.  Sometimes I felt like I was drowning in the needs of so many and I wanted so very much to help each and every person.  But it took emotional exhaustion for me to realize that I couldn’t be all things to all people and still remain true to who I am.

 

About a year later, after witnessing much deterioration on Empath Community within it’s chat room, I again took the job of moderator.  I did it to bring some order back to the site and to give people some peace of mind.  This meant, to some degree, that I had to be a hard ass, which left some members asking me, where was the old Misu who seemed to give without reserve, because she didn’t exist anymore.  Of course, I had no real answer for them except to say I had grown and changed.  And that I was important to me, as well as, all of those members seeking help.

 

The journey this blog is taking you on  has now come to a time that is very recent, very close to the present, where I found myself once again suffering from emotional exhaustion and burnout.  Doing the moderator thing was like going through the motions most of the time.  But after all of those years of caring for this forum site and deep friendship (or so I thought) with it’s owner, I was summarily dismissed as a moderator with comments like my judgment was impaired.  Accusations were laid to bear, as well, and judgments made, despite what I said or how honest I was.  And because of this very traumatic incident, I broke down.

 

Now any reasonable person might ask how one can break down from stuff that happened on a forum site.  And that would be a fair question.  But anyone who has dedicated their time, willingly without expectation, to something they love and/or are passionate about, will tell you the same.  You become emotionally invested in that experience.  It is, in a way, an extension of you.

 

As things began to escalate on the site, I was banned.  And then I was brought back with the offer of owning Empath Community, with the stipulation that I would have to endure public humiliation on the same site I was being offered.  Upon my refusal and the establishment of new moderators on site, I was again banned from site, being told only that I was no a good fit for Empath Community.(the irony of this never ceases to make me laugh)

 

So from that time to now, I have been, for the most part, unable to write while I was nursing my broken heart and healing.  But I getting better now and I feel more apt to be able to write.  I also feel it necessary to say, that despite what happens publicly or privately, we (the writers of EP) will keep learning, growing, and sharing our many different perspectives with each and every one of you.

 

Deconstructing The Highly Sensitive Person Part 1

There are a great many perspectives to take when it comes to Highly Sensitive People and Empaths. For one, you can see it through a psychic lens, watching the flow of energy from one point to another, or you can view it through a religious lens, the ability of discernment. However, for the scope of this blog, I’ll take a scientific and psychological perspective. I’ll break down the causes and effects of being Highly Sensitive, as well as examine exactly how it all works to make one empathic, as opposed to empathetic.

Deconstructing The Highly Sensitive Person Part 2

Earlier I wrote the first part of this blog series, you can find it here. This blog is more of a personal nature. I examined the archetypal empath from many perspectives, mostly scientific and psychological, but there was very little of an actual HSP inside. This blog is the other half. The yin to it’s yang.

A more apt title would probably be: Confessions of a Highly Sensitive Person

>Is Empathy Really a Gift?

>Is Empathy Really a Gift?

     A lot of people believe Empathy is a gift. I don’t go that far, I just identify with the term in a lot of different ways but the bottom line is that empathy is a natural part of me. I could chalk all this up to semantics but in my experience, people really embody the term empathy. This spiritual actualization deserves a closer look.

What is gift? The free dictionary on Bing says this:
Definitions of gift (n)

gift [ gift ] something given: something that is given to somebody, usually on order to provide pleasure or to show gratitude special talent: a natural ability that somebody appears to have been born with, especially

an artistic ability or social skill

act of giving: the act of giving something to somebody

Synonyms: present, donation, contribution, reward, bequest, award, endowment, grant, offering

    Empathy as a gift is usually seen in the usage of ‘a natural ability that somebody appears to have been born with, especially an artistic ability or social skill’. Everyone is born with empathy to some degree or another, so in a loose sense, empathy is a gift.

    I got to thinking about Empathy as a gift after musing on the book, “A Wrinkle In Time” by Madeleine L’Engle. In chapter 6 ‘The Happy Medium’ the main character and her younger brother and new friend are given gifts. These gifts are necessary for Meg (the main Character) and company to defeat the “It” who has ensorceled Meg’s father.

Below is an excerpt;
“You will need help,” Mrs. Whatsit told them, “but all I am allowed to give you is a little talisman. Calvin (The Friend), your great gift is your ability to communicate, to communicate with all kinds of people. So, for you, I will strengthen this gift. Meg, I give you your faults.”


“My Faults!” Meg cried.


“Your faults.”


“But I’m always trying to get rid of my faults!”

At first glance, these seem like lousy gifts, if they are gifts at all. Calvin already possesses the gift of communication (Empathy anyone?) And Meg clearly has and acknowledges her faults. It is a clever bit of irony, making gifts of gifts but there is a deeper meaning hidden in Meg’s faults.

What is a fault?

Again, the free dictionary defines fault as;
Definitions of fault (n)
fault [ fawlt ] responsibility for mistake: responsibility for a mistake, failure, or act of wrongdoing
personal shortcoming: a failing or character weakness in somebody
defect: something that detracts from the integrity, functioning, or perfection of something  else
Synonyms: responsibility, liability, burden, culpability, accountability

    In the story, Meg’s faults are stubbornness, obstinance and her innate ability to think for herself. Meg’s personality leaves her little room to be anything but herself. In Meg’s teenage world, this is a huge fault and causes her nothing but difficulty in her everyday life. In the unique circumstance of saving her father from an entity known as “It”, everyone will depend on Meg’s constant flaws to break away from the indulgent “It”.
   
    The real gift isn’t Meg’s faults but her new found knowledge that her faults, if applied correctly aren’t faults at  all but a huge and necessary gift.
That is what empathy is to me, a sometimes fault that requires us to gain knowledge so we can utilize the gift of empathy effectively.

“Simple Gifts”

written by Elder Joseph

‘Tis the gift to be simple, ’tis the gift to be free

‘Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

‘Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gain’d,

To bow and bend we shan’t be asham’d,

To turn, turn will be our delight,

Till by turning, turning we come ’round right

Ecclesiastes 3:11

“He hath made every thing beautiful in its time: also he hath set the world in their heart, yet so that man cannot find out the work that God hath done from the beginning even to the end.”

For more of my musings visit me on my social network http://kindredcuriosity.ning.com/

>Spare some change?

>

“Change is the essence of life.Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”

-Mahatma Ghandi

The word ‘change’ frightens many people. Maybe it’s because of its connection to the word ‘chaos’, maybe it’s because of humanity’s innate fear of the unknown. Let’s be honest here, we’re all afraid that one day, we’ll wake up and our life as we know it will be turned on its head. People naturally prefer the safety and comfort of what they know over the vast, deep, dark unknown.

Here’s an interesting fact about change, though: add the word ‘life’ as a prefix, and suddenly it becomes much less terrifying. This simple word, once synonomous with chaos and unpredictability, becomes synonomous with growth and personal development. If stagnation is the greatest enemy of mankind, most of us seek that one experience in life that ‘throws open the doors’ so to speak. Call it what you will: enlightenment, a personal connection to God, the love of your friends and family, or simply the realization that maybe, just maybe, you don’t have it as bad as you think. It all boils down to this: we all seek that one pivotal life-changing moment.

Change may be associated with chaos, but do you know what it’s also associated with? Growth. Development. Every invention of mankind started with someone looking at the world around him and wanting to improve it. Every major philosophy, every major religion, began when someone chose to shake off the bonds of stagnation and take a single step into the aforementioned deep, dark unknown. To take it to a more personal level, look at your life. I guarantee that every major accomplishment you have ever made was due to your desire to change, to grow and to further develop yourself.

Here’s another interesting fact of change, and one that is best illustrated by a simple quote:

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

This quote, taken from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, has always stayed in my mind. No matter how disastrous an event may seem, there is always, always, always something to learn from it. Even in the midst of chaos, even in the darkest moment of your life, change is still pushing us to learn, grow and improve ourselves. This bears repeating in bright red, italicized text: there is always something to learn from every situation!

As a matter of fact, I recently had this conversation with my sister. To test this belief, she threw a number of increasingly disastrous, dark events at me. Maybe it’s due to my annoyingly optimistic outlook on life, but I was able to find a silver lining in each and every event. As chaotic as the world may be at times, it’s my firm belief that there is always a lesson to be learned.

To illustrate this point, I’ll share a fairly recent event in my life, as well as the lessons I learned from this particular change:

In December of last year, shortly after Christmas, I found myself pulled into the manager’s office at work. This in and of itself wasn’t all too surprising: I am at heart a rather lazy and easily distracted person, and have difficulty applying myself to a task for more than a few hours. (As a quick aside, this is why I’m not as prolific an author here as, say, Misu. Also, she’s more interesting than I am, but I digress.)

Despite this aspect of my personality making me less than popular with my bosses, I had always seen myself as an indispensable part of my job. As it turns out, this was not so, and I quickly found myself without a job. Life lesson learned: rein in your ego, you are never as indispensable as you think.

What made this situation worse was that I was less than $300 from paying off my car. I had always taken great pride in my vehicle, and saw it as my first move towards true independence and a major accomplishment in my life. Now here I was, without a job and facing the fact that I may lose my car. Thankfully, a friend came through for me and loaned me the $300. Life lesson learned: there are some people who will be there for you, no matter what. Appreciate these people.

To make a long story short, I was without a job for almost a month. Despite my inherent laziness, I do not enjoy being unemployed. Although I grew desperate over this month, an opportunity for employment finally fell into my lap. While it may not be the best or highest-paying job in the world, it’s still a job. It puts food in my stomach, gas in my car, and occasionally allows me to enjoy an alcoholic beverage and some horrible karaoke with friends. Special life lesson two-for-one: it could always be worse, and, given time, it gets better.

I’m sure you can think of more profound examples in your life. I can most certainly think of more profound examples in mine. I just chose this one as a simple, fairly recent example that I could illustrate with my own special brand of annoying humor.

The fact of the matter is this: for every door that slams in your face, countless others open. Don’t be afraid to step through those doors, and don’t fear the changes in your life. Accept them as they come, make the most of them, learn from them. Take a lesson from every event, every change, in your life and never stop growing.

Isn’t that what life’s all about?

>Bullying: Reclaiming Your Journey

>When I was 16 and in high school, I had a boyfriend come to my door and tell me he was going to run away and commit suicide.  After he left, my parents woke up and found me panicking and made me call the police. Soon after that the police pulled me out of class to talk to me.  It was then that I found out he was a chronic runaway who was heavily abused….and that he wasn’t going to kill himself.  So they wanted his whereabouts.

Because of what I did, I became a pariah amongst my friends.  I was ostracized and gossiped about.  And it reached its pinnacle one day at lunch right by the main office of the school.  A group of about 20 students from the crowd I hung out with came up to me simply to tell me what a piece of crap I was.

I stood there, with one friend by my side, while these people verbally ripped me to shreds.  And the only thing I can say is that I never once let them see me cry, even though it crushed me like nothing else had up until that time.  I stood my ground and only let loose a torrent of tears after they were away from me and couldn’t see me shed them.  This was because I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of knowing just how much they had wounded me.

The point of telling you this story is to pinpoint the topic of this discussion which is bullying.  It’s something that permeates our society and is definitely not limited just to high school.  It can follow us into adulthood, or be found in our connections with family, friends, lovers, coworkers and even strangers.  And it can leave a person feeling….violated.  I know it did me.

So before we continue this discussion, lets get a few facts out of the way.  What is bullying?  Are there different types of bullying and what are they?  How does bullying effect other people?

A bully can be described as “a person who is habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people“. Bullying can be defined as “the use of superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants“. A bully is a person who:

• has never learnt to accept responsibility for their behavior
• wants to enjoy the benefits of living in the adult world, but who is unable and unwilling to accept the responsibilities that are a prerequisite for being part of the adult world.
• abdicates and denies responsibility for their behavior and its consequences (abdication and denial are common features of bullying)
• is unable and unwilling to recognize the effect of their behavior on others
• does not want to know of any other way of behaving
• is unwilling to recognize that there could be better ways of behaving.

Why do people bully?

• to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it;
• to avoid accepting responsibility for their behavior and the effect it has on others, and,
• to reduce their fear of being seen for what they are, namely a weak, inadequate and often incompetent individuals, and,
• to divert attention away from their inadequacy 

With the understanding of who a bully is, what it means to bully, and why people bully, we come to the question of different types of bullying.  What are they?

Types Of Bullying

1. Physical bullying includes any physical contact that would hurt or injure a person like hitting, kicking, punching, etc. Taking something that belongs to someone else and destroying it would also be considered a type of physical bullying. For example, if someone was walking down the street and someone came up to them and shoved them to the ground, that would be physical bullying. In elementary and middle schools, 30.5% of all bullying is physical.


2. Verbal bullying is name-calling, making offensive remarks, or joking about a person’s religion, gender, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, or the way they look. For example, if there was a group of kids who made fun of another kid because he couldn’t run as fast as everyone else, it would be an example of verbal bullying. 46.5% of all bullying in schools is the verbal type. Verbal aggression is when a bully teases someone. It can also include a bully making verbal threats of violence or aggression against someone’s personal property.


3. Indirect bullying includes spreading rumors or stories about someone, telling others about something that was told to you in private, and excluding others from groups. An example would be if you started a rumor that a boy in your class likes playing with dolls, and if the reason that you made up the story was because you thought it was funny. This would be indirect bullying. Indirect bullying accounts for 18.5% of all bullying.


4. Social alienation is when a bully excludes someone from a group on purpose. It also includes a bully spreading rumors, and also making fun of someone by pointing out their differences.


5. Intimidation is when a bully threatens someone else and frightens that person enough to make him or her do what the bully wants.


6. Cyberbullying is done by sending messages, pictures, or information using electronic media, computers (email & instant messages), or cell phones (text messaging & voicemail). For instance, if you sent a picture of a snake in an email to a person because you know that they are afraid of snakes, that would be an example of cyberbullying. According to a survey done in 2003 only 4% of bullying is listed as “other types” and this would include cyberbullying. Even though this number seems small, the growth of this type of bullying is going up fast because of the spread of technology around the world.

Bullying And The Empath

Recent events on a website I used to belong to and moderate, called The Empath Community, have prompted me to write this blog about bullying because of the new group of moderators on the site.  Their behavior on site has been tantamount to bullying.  In saying this, I do not speak lightly.

After systematically removing any person who was outspoken enough to speak up about the new rules being implemented, which curbed the way members could interact with one another to a very limited way (only in a soft spoken supportive way without opinions that differ from those of the site leadership), they knowingly began allowing members to write slanderous things about me like my writing is plagiarized, I poison people’s minds, or that I was a cruel and manipulative person.  All of these things amount to nothing more than bullying.

The sad part is, it wasn’t limited to just me.  Many others have suffered the same as I have.  And while it might sound silly to care what people say about you on a website, I mean its just a website after all, it was a place I spent a great deal of time (3 yrs) living and working.  It was like a second home to me…and to many others.  So it left many people feeling violated.

From the experiences I’ve shared with you, and many others not mentioned, I’ve felt the shame and degradation, the anger and resentment, and the abject fear and sadness that it would continue.  And it has ripped me apart many times over.

But this blog isn’t just about me.  It’s also about you.  It’s about all those who have been bullied at one time in their lives or another.  It’s about those who spoke out against it or were to afraid to speak.  It’s about those who were bullied verbally or physically and were forced to wear a brand of shame because of it.

And this blog is a reminder that each and everyone of you…that no matter what  people say about you or to you, or what how the perceive you and treat you, you are not alone.  And they, those bullies who suffer from their own inadequacies, do not set your worth simply because they want to make themselves look better to others and feel better about themselves.

You are special and unique, despite those things.  And you are precious…just for existing.  That is something bullies can not rob you of.  They can only make you believe they have, if you let them.  And they only have power over you so long as you give them that power out of fear.

Remember that because bullying can strike at any time.  And it can devalue you before you even realize what is happening. And only you,above anyone else, can remind yourself of just how special you truly are.  And always remember…you are loved because you are not alone in these feelings.  Most, if not everyone, has felt this way at least once in their lives.

>The Journey To Closure

>Recent events in my life have brought me to the point where I must acknowledge I am searching for solace and am in need of closure. And it’s had me thinking….in a broader sense…of how each of us comes to a point in our lives where we are forced to seek closure to toxic relationships and oppressive situations. These relationships and situations do nothing but tear us down, slowly eroding our self esteem, our personal boundaries, and most important of all, our emotional stability and mental health.

Perhaps you’ve experienced something like this in your life…perhaps not. But if you haven’t, count yourself lucky. It takes time, after you come away from it, to heal and to feel grounded again. Often the wounds aren’t visible to the human eye because they are buried beneath the surface…in the psyche.

For me, this resulted from having someone I considered a dear friend and colleague jump to rash conclusions and become agitated. With that agitation, based on erroneous assumptions, came an abrupt halt to our professional relationship. And with the way our professional relationship ended, there also came an end to our personal relationship.

For three years I worked with this person; offering her my undying support, friendship and care. I stood by her side, when few others would, and helped preserve the things that she worked to establish. Whatever she needed of me, I offered up without reserve.

And then, because of one perceived mistake, I was treated as though I were a pariah in her presence who needed to be swept under the rug and forgotten. Not long after that, I was treated to an even worse punishment. I was publicly humiliated in such a way that she would appear the poor victim and I would seem the blighter who was abusing her in some way.

And in the interim, she ripped an entire community of sensitive souls apart through the public airing of our personal issues….our dirty laundry.

My reasons for writing this are purely selfish. There is no lesson to be had here (at least on the surface)….only my own personal need to understand what happened in those moments and to find some closure to the whole debacle. But whether I ever truly understand or not, one day, given enough time, I will find closure. And I will heal.

Namaste To Each Of You

Lying and The Empathic Truthsayer

The Truthsayer

An interesting byproduct of being highly empathic seems to be that one can become a sort of truthsayer…or living lie detector.  What this means is that the highly empathic person can easily discern whether or not a person is telling the truth or not and if they are dissembling in respect to motives, feelings and/or beliefs.

This byproduct, as it were, seems to be derived from the Empath’s ability to read another person’s emotions and emotional states.  In other words, because a highly empathic person is well attuned toward sensing and feeling the overall emotional state of all of those around themselves, almost constantly, the person in question begins to develop a deeper interpersonal intelligence.  Interpersonal intelligence is, by definition, the ability to interact with others, understand them, and interpret their behavior.  Individuals who exhibit a level of interpersonal intelligence,  have the particular ability to perceive the moods, temperaments, motivations and intentions of others.

This skill can becomes disconcerting, when those around us ~ even those we feel closest to, hide and/or deny their true feelings, intentions, motivations, and so forth, while offering up to the world something that is less than the truth with respect to those same things; intent, motivation, and real feelings.  Then the Empathic Truthsayer, is conflicted because they see and recognize what lays beneath the surface persona a person wears for the outside world.  When the surface persona and internal self are out of balance (when a person is struggling internally and putting on a strong and/or happy face to the world), the Empathic Truthsayer can see and recognize it.

In the quiz, What Kind of Empath Are You?, based on Jad Alexander’s work The Book Of Storms, he begins to categorize different types of Empaths, one being that of the Judge Empath.  A Judge Empath is described like this:

You are a Judge Empath, one who is a “truthsayer”. You can tell truth from lies, good from evil. You do not tolerate wrong doing. You are a defender of the good and the innocent. You are kind and merciful but do not play foolish games.

Everyone Lies

Before we continue on with our discussion about Empathic truthsayers, we must first understand what a lie is, some of the basic reasons behind lying, and the possible positive/negative intentions for lying.

What is a lie? 

A lie is a false statement made with the deliberate intent to deceive.  Everyone lies, whether we care to admit it or not.  They come in many forms, from small white lies, which harm no one,  to gargantuan ones, which affect many people at once.  And just as lies can differ in size, so to can they differ in frequency, from once in a blue moon (a rare occurrence) to the majority of the time.

Are there different types of lies?

There are many different forms of lies. Let’s look at some of them:

1. Blantant Lies – when someone gives false information
2. White Lies – generally used with the intention to help someone else, even when the lie does nothing more than act as a placebo.
3. Lies of Magnitude – exaggerations in the form of flattery or boasting, in which one makes something better than it actually is
4. Lies of Misdirection – to mislead someone or bait them (often called a bluff in games of chance)
5. Partial Truth – to not tell the whole truth
6. Self-Deception – lying to ourselves through rationalization (to rationalize we are doing the ‘right’ thing, when in fact we are not)
7. Potential Truths – saying something as if it were fact without foreknowledge of its veracity
8. Jocose Lies – lies meant in jest, intended to be understood as such by all present parties.
9. Noble Lie – a myth put forward by leaders in order to assure that each member of a society happily plays their part in creating a well-ordered and stable society.

What are some of the reasons people lie?


There are any number of reasons why people choose to lie, but all of those can be broken down into several very basic reasons:

• To enhance reputation
• To avoid punishment
• To cover up mistakes and bad behavior
• To avoid hurting someone or starting a fight with them
• To hurt another person’s reputation
• To harm/attack other people indirectly
• To maintain relationships and please others
• To reassure the needlessly anxious
• To spare unnecessary headaches
• To gain control over a situation

What are the some of the advantages or more acceptable reasons for lying?


This question might seem out of place, because one might think there is absolutely no acceptable reason to tell a falsehood, but in understanding the reasons why people lie, we must understand the pros and cons of doing it at times.

• the truth can be hurtful
• helps avoid unnecessary conflict
• helps maintain a sense of privacy

What are the potentially negative results that can arise out of using deception and lying?

• destroys trust and creates distance
• limits choices
• and it’s hard to contain

Are there tell tale signs that someone is lying?

• Expand contractions, stressing full-form verbs, such as “did not” and “could not,” to convince people they’re speaking the truth.
• Deny lying, making emphatic claims to be telling the truth, such as “I have no reason to lie.”
• Pause and use nonword sounds during hesitations in their speech (“uh,” “er” and “ah” are examples).
• Make speech errors and more frequent gaffes than people who speak the truth. Errors can include grammar, tense and losing thought in midsentence.
• Stutter, stammer and become tongue-tied.
• Clear their throats and make other noises.
• Use qualifiers and modifiers, explanatory words, such as “however,” “sometimes” and “generally.
• Avert their gaze, trying to avoid eye contact.
• Close their hands/interlock their fingers.
• Cross their arms as if creating a barrier.
• Drink and swallow more often than those who tell the truth.
• Use fewer hand gestures, staying stiff, controlling the movements of their hands.
• Shrug their shoulders and flip their hands over in an “open” (palms up) fashion.
• Perform hand-to-face grooming, touching their face, ears and hair.
• Handle objects, such as pens, papers and eyeglasses.
• Blink less than people who tell the truth.
• Do less finger pointing.
• Lean and shift — leaning forward, resting their elbows on desktops or their knees. They also shift often when sitting.
• Lick their lips often.
• Pucker and tighten their lips.
• Sigh and take deep breaths.
• Smile more and laugh inappropriately.
• Touch, scratch and rub their nose frequently.

Truthsayers and The Confrontation of Lies

Now that we’ve explored what a lie is and why it is used, it’s time to return to the main point of this discussion.  Empathic truthsayers, who like living lie detectors, say that they can discern lies from truth when they interact with others.  I’ve heard people say that it is a very natural state, to hear someone talking to them, and to feel the fact that there are lies being spoken, at the same time.

Now whether one can do this or not, is not going to be the issue of contention here.  Instead let’s focus on another issue, which pertains to this topic.  When someone believes they are a living lie detector, often they also feel the need to be confrontational about these kinds of things.

Because of this constant feeling of being lied to ,intentionally or unintentionally,  resentment and aggravation toward others, in general, can accrue and cause people to forget things like personal boundaries, respect for others privacy, tolerance of others beliefs, and so on.  Thus the person, who is an empathic truthsayer, can potentially become confrontational when faced with the imbalance of what is being said on the surface and what they are perceiving emotionally beneath the surface facade worn for the external world.

By far, this is not the only reason a truthsayer would act in an aggressive/confrontational way toward others.  Some believe it is their duty, because they are in possession of this gift,  to hold a mirror up to others, so that they are forced to face their truth head on.  And this is done, whether the other party wants them to do this or not.

So, if you find you possess this ability, to discern when someone is dissembling, or not telling the whole truth, here are some suggestions to keep in mind.

1. Respect personal boundaries – Remember that you are two separate people and healthy boundaries should be maintained for the overall health of both parties.
2. Respect privacy –  Just because you can detect lies, doesn’t mean you have the right to bring another person’s issues out into the open.
3. Respect others beliefs – You don’t have to like or agree with others beliefs. But you can offer them tolerance and respect by not making issue of them during a confrontation.
4. Respect individuality – This one goes back to number one.  Remember that you are two separate people with different beliefs, different feelings, different motivations, and different experiences.
5. Empathy – Remember that the truth hurts.  Imagine how you would feel if you were confronted with a truth that you did not want to face.  If you know you would be hurt, imagine how the other party is going to feel if you do it.
6. Right of Judgment – Ask yourself, what right you have to confront people with these ‘truths’ and to play judge, jury and executioner.  Ask yourself what lays behind the driving need to be confrontational with others in such a way?  And confront your own truth about this topic.
7. Just because you can, doesn’t necessarily mean you should.

Consider these things as you approach another person, in order to confront them with the truth.  Think about them as you interact with the exterior world.  We live side by side, and sometimes it is important to be confrontational.  But sometimes, it is of equal importance to allow people to have their privacy, their secrets, and own unspoken thoughts and opinions.

In Balance

When the gift of discernment toward truth and lies is in balance, imagine what a rich picture it can paint for your perception…the depths it can take you to emotionally within a another person.  Imagine the depth of understanding which can be developed and cultivated, when it is utilized appropriately and is not abused to feed a sense of ego.

Being able to read between the lines….see beneath the surface…are gifts which allow each of us to connect with one another at a much deeper emotional and spiritual level.  It is a precious thing.  Think about it.

Trust and Empathy

On this website, we often talk about empathy and all of the different issues that are associated with it, directly or indirectly. One such issue, we generally only touch upon indirectly, is that of trust. You see, empathy and trust go hand in hand as a platform for effective communication, understanding and relationships.

Empathy is about understanding another person’s point of view. And part of the empathic process is about establishing trust through listening, without judgment, and offering understanding, even when one personally disagrees with the other person. All of this is done in order to develop a rapport with another person, in order to interact with them on equal footing.

In earnestly listening, without judgment, and offering understanding to the other person, even if we personally disagree with them, we offer them a level of respect as we communicate effectively with them. And respect, by meeting others on equal footing, is a basis for establishing both trust and empathy.

Trust

There are several ways to define trust. Let’s look at some of these ways.  The first that we will look at comes directly from a dictionary.  The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines Trust like this:

a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something
b : one in which confidence is placed

Another site takes a different approach in describing Trust:

Trust is both and emotional and logical act. Emotionally, it is where you expose your vulnerabilities to people, but believing they will not take advantage of your openness. Logically, it is where you have assessed the probabilities of gain and loss, calculating expected utility based on hard performance data, and concluded that the person in question will behave in a predictable manner.

Predictability

Definition 1: Trust means being able to predict what other people will do and what situations will occur. If we can surround ourselves with people we trust, then we can create a safe present and an even better future.

Value Exchange

Definition 2: Trust means making an exchange with someone when you do not have full knowledge about them, their intent and the things they are offering to you.

Delayed Reciprocity

Definition 3: Trust means giving something now with an expectation that it will be repaid, possibly in some unspecified way at some unspecified time in the future.

Exposed Vulnerabilities

Definition 4: Trust means enabling other people to take advantage of your vulnerabilities—but expecting that they will not do this.

The Establishment Of Trust

Now that we have taken the definition of trust  from a generic dictionary definition into the realm of emotions/logic, let’s explore the emotional side of trust in more depth.  First, we must ask ourselves some questions.  When we feel trust, what kinds of emotions do we experience in association with trust, as a feeling? What does it take to come to the point of experiencing trust, and the emotions associated with it, with others?

Trust can engender many sensations, when we are interacting with others.  Some emotions associated with trust include (but aren’t limited to) companionship, friendship, love, contentment, agreement, relaxation, comfort, empathy and compassion.

Now, how does a person come to the point of feeling these kinds of sensations with another person?  To answer that we have to understand what trust requires of us.  Trust requires us to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and open with others (vulnerable to the possibility of betrayal).  It also requires us to think well of others, in general, and to have a positive outlook on the competence and trustworthiness of the people in question.

But trust is also a two way street.  Now, one could surmise this two way street is about establishing trust on the part of each participant in the other person, during any interaction.  And while that is definitely one level of this premise, it is not the only one.

Trust requires us to be vulnerable to other people.  And in doing this, we not only must put our faith in someone else, but also in ourselves to be able to express such emotional states in the presence of another.  What this means, is that even as we put trust/faith in the other person, we must be assured in our own worthiness in sharing such emotional expressions with others.  If we do not trust ourselves, or our voices get halted by guilt, shame, or the belief that it isn’t worth acknowledgment by others, then we will find ourselves unable to evince vulnerability to others.  And trust can not be established.

Now we come back to the previous level of this process, in which each participant works to establish a rapport with the other person, where in, there is an ease of comfort during communication and interaction.  For this to occur, there must be a degree of understanding and empathy between both parties.  And this occurs through patience, the willingness to listen without judgment, and the genuine offering of respect and understanding.

Trusting someone is always about taking a leap of faith, because even if we can potentially predict the dependability of another person, based on their behaviors and opinions, and we can genuinely allow ourselves to be vulnerable with them, it is always about risk and stepping into the unknown in the hopes of gaining a positive association with others.

Trust And Empathy

As we stated at the beginning of this discussion, empathy and trust go hand in hand as a platform for effective communication, understanding and relationships.  Empathy is about understanding another person’s point of view. And part of the empathic process is about establishing a rapport of trust with others.

Engendering trust allows for a degree of reliance and connection to develop between two people.  While enabling empathy between two parties, allows each to understand one another at a much deeper level.  In other words, a connection of comfortable reliance is established and the process of sharing and understanding is openly allowed to occur.  And this allows the connections that bind to deepen….establishing friendship.

Now, empathy has three different levels; the cognitive, the emotional, and the compassionate.

• Cognitive Empathy: we recognize what another person is feeling
• Emotional Empathy: we actually feel what the person is feeling
• Compassionate Empathy: we want to help the person deal with their situation and emotions

Trust is established within the scope of compassionate empathy, where we have a desire to reach out to another person.  This is because during the other two types of empathy, we may not necessarily express those feelings of camaraderie externally, even as we experience them within ourselves.  It is only with the desire to reach out and help someone else, can trust be created.

What Does All Of This Mean?

All of this is simply an exploration into the connections between trust and empathy.  It is offered up to be food for thought to be pondered, at your leisure.  So think about it.  ^_^

Emotional Exploration Of The Empath

As an Empath, I’ve always been fascinated with the complete array of emotions that exist and can be expressed within the human life cycle.  Watching as emotions, whether consciously realized or not, beget actions and reactions.

I believe, for our own personal benefit and development, it is very important to have an understanding of all of these emotions and how we are affected by them, because we tend to be so sensitive toward them.  So let’s take a look at them, so that we can learn to identify each emotion and it’s meaning, as well as, how it affects us, as Empaths.

Plutchik’s Wheel Of Emotions

For the purposes of this section, we will be using the model put forth by a man named Robert Plutchik, who created a wheel of emotions in 1980 which consisted of 8 basic emotions and 8 advanced emotions, each composed of 2 basic ones. In this wheel, he attempts to set forth how emotions, both base and complex, tend to beget one another in a layered effect.

Plutchik’s theorysays that the primary eight emotions are:

• Fear - feeling afraid. Other words are terror (strong fear), shock, phobia (fear of one thing)
• Anger - feeling angry. Another word is rage. One can be angry with themself or with others.
• Sadness - feeling sad. Other words are sorrow, grief (a stronger feeling, for example when someone has died) or depression (feeling sad for a long time). Some people think depression is a different emotion.
• joy - feeling happy. Other words are happiness, glee (when something good happens to someone. or something bad happens to someone else), gladness.
• Disgust -  feeling something is wrong or dirty.
• Anticipation -  feeling happy because of something in the future.
• Trust - confident expectation of something; hope.
• Surprise -  how one feels when something happens quickly or when someone did not think it would happen.

In the secondary portion of this wheel of emotions, we come back to the idea of the eight advanced emotions that come into play when two of the basic emotions are combined.  According to Plutchek’s theory, they are:

• Optimism - being optimistic. Being hopefulness and confidence about the future or successful outcome of something.
• Love - to love or to be loving. To feel strong affection and personal attachment.
• Submission - to be submissive. Other words deference, passivity. It is the acknowledgement of the legitimacy of the power of one’s superior or superiors. It implies a yielding to the judgment of a recognized superior out of respect or reverence.
• Awe - to be awestruck.  Comparable to wonder, but less joyous. In general awe is directed at objects considered to be more powerful than the subject.
• Disappointment - to become disappointed.  Another word is regret or disapproval. It is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations to manifest.
• Remorse - To be remorseful.  Other terms are personal regret, guilt, self-directed resentment. It is an emotional expression of personal regret felt by a person after he or she has committed an act which they deem to be shameful, hurtful, or violent.
• Contempt - to be contemptuous. Another word would be scorn. An intensely negative emotion regarding a person or group of people as inferior, base, or worthless.
• Aggressiveness - to be aggressive. A predatory behavior between members of the same species that is intended to cause pain or harm.

In other words, the primary emotions are broken down into secondary emotions, which more closely resemble actual feelings.

• Love: Affection, Lust/Sexual Desire, Longing
• Joy: Cheerfulness, Zest, Contentment, Pride, Optimism, Enthrallment,Relief
• Surprise: Surprise
• Anger: Irritation, Exasperation, Rage, Disgust, Envy, Torment
• Sadness: Suffering, Sadness, Disappointment, Shame, Neglect, Sympathy
• Fear: Horror, Nervousness

Positive And Negative Emotions

To simplify this idea, let’s look at two lists. The first one will list most, if not all, of the positive human emotions. And the second will list the negative human emotions.

List of negative human Emotions

• Fear
• Anger
• Guilt
• Depression 
• Pride
• Jealousy
• Self-pity
• Anxiety
• Resentment
• Envy
• Frustration
• Shame
• Denial
• Offended
• Negative 
• Regret 
• Resentful
• Sad
• Worried
• Grief 

List of positive human Emotions

• Love
• Appreciation
• Happiness
• Hope
• Enthusiasm
• Vitality
• Confidence
• Gratitude
• Patient
• Trust
• Vulnerable
• Optimistic
• Appreciative
• Ashamed
• Astonished

Empaths And Emotion

Now that we have some basic information about emotions, we must ask ourselves, as Empaths, a few important questions.  First would be, what does this list of emotions have to do with me?  Why is it important to be able to identify different emotions, in oneself and in others?

An Empath is marked by an acute sensitivity to the feelings of others, where in, they actually feel another’s pain and suffering. As they pick up on the feelings of others, there is, generally, a deep understanding toward the driving forces which instigate those emotions. This may not be conscious, though. Instead it might be intuitive, in that the Empath has no tangible evidence to prove what they reading off another person. So it becomes more of a gut feeling.

So, in recognizing and understanding the different types of emotions, we bring this process to the conscious level, instead of leaving it buried in the subconscious mind shrouded in mystery.  It becomes a practical application that can be applied in the real world as we interact with others.  It can turn something that is overwhelming for such a sensitive soul, into something that can be managed, because we can consciously tailor our responses upon the recognition of one emotion or another instead of having a knee jerk response.

As well, having a better understanding of emotions, in a multi-level perspective, also helps you connect the dots consciously, to better see what might be the source of the emotion being expressed.  As an example, let’s take the advanced emotion of remorse, which is a combination of the basic emotions sadness and disgust, and explore it a bit.  If remorse is a product of sadness and disgust (generally directed at oneself), then there was probably an incident which raised feelings of guilt and regret over some behavior that caused harm to another person.  If you understand the underlying emotions that bring forth a particular emotional reaction, it can help you consciously find a solution to the issue, instead of avoiding it by relegating it to the subconscious mind where it can slowly fester and erode a  person’s self esteem.

Understanding emotions in this way, can also help an Empath better distinguish which emotions belong to themselves and which emotions belong to others.  It opens the door to doing self evaluation of emotions; “Does this belong to me or someone else?”.  Conscious recognition of emotions, and a deep abiding understanding of where the emotions are being emitted from, can also allow an Empath to better set boundaries for themselves, so they are not left drowning in a sea of emotions where in they lose perspective (unable to distinguish where the Empath ends and the other person begins emotionally) and their individual identity.

The lose of personal identity and the lose of perspective, are some of the biggest issues an Empath must deal with in their lives, because it is such a natural process for them to become symbiotic with those around them.  Only through conscious awareness of the emotions and the ability to tailor one’s responses to those emotional expressions (ie, how much empathy to offer another person based on the situational circumstances), can one move beyond simply coping day to day in the attempt to stave off the potential outcome of drowning.  Awareness and the ability to readily modify one’s own behavior, can allow a person to thrive, even with an Empath’s sensitivity to the world around them.