Empathy In Excess

A dear friend of mine recently showed me a question someone had posted on the internet, asking a very interesting question about Empaths.  Does excessive empathy, or more to the point  being an Empath, mean that you will be lonely for the rest of your life because you give more and/or feel more than other people? This is a complex question, so lets explore it a bit.

The Initial Feelings

As Empaths or HSPs, we can often feel as though we give more, do more, love more, feel more, and/or sense more than other people.  It almost feels like everyone around you is going through some kind of sensory deprivation and they don’t even realize it.  It’s as though no one recognizes the depths to which love can go or how much one word can truly wound the heart.

Friends seem to feel as though you know them inside and out, while you feel as though they are talking to a stranger.  It is as though, no matter how long they’ve known you or how close you are, they just don’t quite get it.  So there is always this distance that you feel you have to compensate for in order to keep some form of balance in the relationship.

Perhaps you even feel taken advantage of by most of the people you call friend.  It’s as though anyone who knows you remotely, because who can really ever know the true depths of your deepest emotional self, takes advantage of the fact that you give so much so openly and so willingly to all of those you care for.  So you end up feeling used and abused, even amongst your closest friends.  It can leave you feeling bitter and angry.  It can make you question why you are so different from others.

And then there are those people, probably some of whom you love the most in life,  who end up walking away from you because they say things like they feel inadequate compared to you.  They tell you they just can’t love you the way they love them.  And it leaves you broken hearted, wondering why god put you here and if you will ever know real happiness.

Romantic relationships are equally as difficult.  You find common ground with someone and fall in love.  You give, as you always have, while expecting some semblance of the same level from your partner; the heightened passion, the touchy feelly love, and the near obsessive need to be in each other’s pocket.  In other words, you carry the expectation of their boundaries blurring as much as yours to the point of not knowing where you end and they begin.  And when they don’t, it again leaves you broken and wondering if all you will ever truly know is loneliness.

It’s like standing in the world and at the same time being utterly separate from it at the same time.  You are set apart from the world by the gift, or curse depending on how you see it, of being emotionally hypersensitive and highly emotive.

In the end, all of these cumulative experiences make you feel like you’ve ‘settled’ for less than you deserve all your life.  They make you wonder if you will ever find someone like yourself, who you can be a soulmate (romantically) or a kindred spirit (friendship wise) to.  It makes you doubt.  It makes you question.  And it hurts so deeply, that the loneliness echoes through you like a black void.

It doesn’t matter who you are, because you know what I’m talking about to one degree or another.  You understand the underlying emotions I speak of which rise out of those experiences: the disappointment, the sadness and depression, the bitterness and resentment, the anger, the hate, and the unending loneliness that screams and claws at you from the inside out.

Perception and Self Concept

Let’s talk about perception and self concept and what this has to do with your experiences and emotions now.  Perception is defined two ways: 1. The ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses. 2. The state of being or process of becoming aware of something in such a way. While self concept is defined as: The mental image or perception that one has of oneself.

In the case of this discussion, we are talking about the journey you’ve walked in order to develop how you perceive yourself.  Your experiences, both good and bad, shape how you view yourself, as much as how you view the world, the people in it, and the role you play in the bigger picture of things.  Your self concept is based on your perception which in turn is based on your experiences and the emotions that rise out of those experiences.  And those experiences can cloud your judgement, even at the best of times, and dictate how you will react to other people and situations.

Now, if we travel back to the initial feelings, what we discover is that we feel set apart from the world, even as we go about our daily lives within the world.  We feel different.  Some feel like they are lesser than others for those differences.  Some feel like they are better than others for those differences.  Both of these, though, are based on how you perceive the ability to empathize with others…feel their pain and share in their suffering….as it pertains to you.  Is it a gift or a curse?  Is it the bane of your existence, something that holds you down, binding you to loneliness and being misunderstood?  Or is it something positive that you can utilize in productive ways to enhance not just your own life, but the lives of others, as well?

But again, all of this is based on your own self concept.  All of this is drawn out of your own perception.  And perception….well….it doesn’t always tell the truth, does it?  It can be clouded or skewed.  And it can lead you to perceive things one way, while at the same time, halting you from perceiving things in other equally valid ways.

To make this point, I want to tell you a story about something that happened in the last year of my life.  About a year ago I was left feeling very betrayed by someone I was extremely close to.  It was a difficult and very painful time in my life.  So I turned to two of my very dearest friends for support.  One gave me what I needed, even while dealing with her own issues, and the other didn’t.  He shut down on me and closed me out.  Because of this we grew very distant.

In my own pain, I could have shut him out completely.  I could have blamed him for not giving me the support I deserved and had always given to him in full measure.  I could have asked him the question, why does it seem like I love you more and am willing to give so much more than you are for me?  Heck, I could have even displaced or transferred my own anguish over the lose of the first friend onto him and handed him the blame.  In my moments of weakness, any of those things was plausible. I could have taken all of my pain out on him and then walked away. But I didn’t.

I didn’t do these things because before my issues arose, I had watched him suffer from a very deep depression which left him extremely vulnerable and wounded.  I had walked with him through it and supported him time and time again.  I not only knew about, but also understood, the depths of his suffering.  So even as he shut me out, when I needed him, I could not turn away from him completely.  Instead I distanced myself from him emotionally so that I could heal.

I wasn’t sure if our friendship would ever come back from that whole again.  But it has, and for that I am ever grateful.  The friendship meant more to me….that person meant more to me….than my pain.  And because of this, even in my darkest moments, and even when I didn’t want to, I forced myself to see from his perception.  I forced myself to understand of what he was capable of offering me at that time, given everything he was going through.  And ultimately I realized I would never forgive him….because there was never really anything to forgive.

The point of this example is to show you where empathy truly comes into play here.  Empathy comes in numerous different forms.  There is the type that Empaths have, which is a kind of intuitive emotional empathy, where in you feel much of what others feel right along side them.  And then there is cognitive empathy, where in one  consciously chooses to rise above one’s own personal perceptions and judgments, issues and experiences, to step into another person’s perception in order to understand, on a more rational level, something we probably couldn’t see before.  It’s a leap of faith that doesn’t allow for you to stay in your shell or your comfort zone.  And if you are open to it, it can be a harsh does of reality sometimes.

Empathy In Excess

When an Empath, or anyone for that matter, gets to caught up in their own self concepts, of who they are and what they are, about what rights and gifts they have, they lose the one thing that makes them so uniquely human; the ability to empathize with others.  When you are to stuck in your own head, it can become a foreign idea to you to step out of your own comfort zone and view things through another person’s eyes, particularly if someone is bring an issue up in your intimate relationships that might pertain to you.

So ask yourselves something?  If empathy in excess within you relationships is causing people to leave you, push away from you, or feel inadequate….is there always something wrong with them alone?  Is it that they are never good enough and you are settling?  Or could you be overcompensating for issues you might have in your own life that you do not wish to face head on?  Or could it be some of both, perchance?

Friendship and love aren’t about pleasing others so they stick around, secretly leaving you feeling drained and that the only way you feel worthwhile is when you give.  Your worth isn’t based on how much you help the next person that comes along. Friendship and love are about caring, empathy and compromise.  But to much of anything, even empathy, is never a good thing for your own health, your own mental health and the longevity of your relationships.  So think about it for a moment…and see what you find inside yourselves.

Side note:
After letting my friend, from the example, read this blog before publishing it….he told me that I left him sounding like the person who was inadequate.  And I told him something to the effect of, “Never that, love. You weren’t capable of offering me that because of your own issues.  It’s not that you didn’t want to because even then you hated seeing me in pain.  So I will never tell you I forgive you because there is nothing to forgive.  And it’s because of you, and whats been hanging over our heads unsaid, that I am able to learn what I did and write what I wrote.  So thank you.”

10 Tips To Being More Assertive

While reading a blog I discovered this list of tips to help one be more assertive without being aggressive.  I felt they were really worthy of reposting here.Below are 10 tips that can help you be more assertive.  Enjoy!

10 Tips To Be More Assertive

1. Meet the person at their level – standing, sitting etc.
2. Speak at a similar volume to the other person, if you are trying to make a point, then it is ok to speak slightly louder – just don’t overdo it. If you are both shouting then it’s probably not going to be a great conversation – postpone it until you have both calmed down.
3. If you are not clear about what you want to say or achieve by this conversation then politely request it be undertaken at a later time or date.
4. If you can, spend some time thinking about a positive outcome for you both, before you meet with the person. Otherwise use no.3 above and use the time in between to do this. It is important not to spend too long thinking about all the possible outcomes, simply be open to the possibility of a positive outcome for both parties.
5. If you need some extra confidence, then think about your body language: steepling is a great way to feel confident… press only the tips of your fingers together in a kind of prayer position – thumb to thumb, index finger to index finger etc. There are other variations of this that you will easily find in a google search.
6. Feelings are really important – most people are capable of spotting when they are beginning to feel angry, so be aware of how you are feeling. If you notice yourself becoming angry, aggressive or even despondent, then remember you have the option to stop the conversation and continue at another time. Sometimes the clue is that your words don’t come out easily – like there is something stopping you explain yourself clearly. If you can relax and continue then that’s fantastic.
7. Saying No – if you are asked to do something that is in the future, a quick way to know your true answer is to consider what you would say if it was happening now (supposing you have the time free). For other questions or requests, remember that there is no benefit in doing something for someone if you do not have the time or skills to complete it. People respect you far more for saying a polite “I’d love to help you but I really don’t have time right now, if I get done here I’ll come and help”, than they do if you say Yes all the time and then don’t have time to deliver on your promises. Remember that people take the line of least resistance, if they find someone who will always say yes, then that person goes top of the list for everything. Think of people you know who do that and then consider what your feelings about them are… Do you want people to think that way of you?
8. Find someone who you see as Assertive and then begin to think about what it is they do that makes them come across as assertive. How do they sound, what do they say, how do they stand, etc. If appropriate, ask them what they think about it.
9. Start small and gain experience – maybe you could simply ask someone who you would not normally if they can get you a coffee from the machine etc. Small triumphs along the way are really helpful, especially if you don’t want to jump in at the deep end and go and ask your boss for a raise just yet!
10. Celebrate how far you have come – becoming assertive takes time and balance, so celebrate the achievements and the journey you have undertaken to date. Continue this process and don’t be afraid to make mistakes – if necessary you can apologise! Often the truth will help you gain the person’s trust and respect, so tell them you are learning to be assertive and any feedback is much appreciated – good or bad. You may even find you make allies in people you wouldn’t have normally turned to for help.

The Empathy Of Nothing

“I am nothing.  I am nobody.  I am garbage.  I am a waste of space.  The air that I breath is wasted and would be better spent on someone more worthy than I.  My very existence has no purpose….no meaning…other than to be a burden upon others.”

It’s comments like these that repel people.  It smacks of low self esteem and low self worth, doesn’t it?  These are the words, often whispered in the voices of those who have cut us down verbally before, that repeat, almost like a mantra, in our heads in order to hold us back.

The ironic thing about this is upon hearing these comments, whether from someone else’s lips or from our own brains, our survival skills kick in.  A kind of flight or fight response ensues, in which we deny it emphatically and jump to our own defense.  And in so doing, we seek to convince ourselves of it’s untruth, much more than others, because the simple accusation laid to bear is enough to crack the safe box of reality we wrap ourselves in, where we deny any flaws or issues we might have.  It hides the question that no one, not even those considered to have high self esteem, wishes to face.  What if those whispers are right?

So instead of answering that question, in the here and now, people can (and often do) spend lifetimes searching for what they feel is missing in their lives and never find it.  Often, in that endless search, they will find ‘things’ to fill the hole they feel dwells within themselves.  This, to some extent, is where addictive behaviors come from.  Addiction to drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, and so many others are but a few of the more extreme versions of addictive behaviors used as a salve upon the wound no one seems to be able to heal totally.

Divine Purpose

Another extreme, though, begs to be looked at because it has direct bearing on Empaths.  It begins when people start to search for their purpose through a title like Empath.  The term Empath, instead of meaning simply someone who is hypersensitive to the emotions and emotional states of those around them, has begun to take on much more supernatural/spiritual connotations, particularly where one’s purpose is concerned.

I’ve read many different ideas about this particular extreme.  One site wrote that Empaths are the meek who shall inherit the Earth, as the bible stated.  Another person said that Empaths have a divine purpose to lead the human race into a new era of spirituality and peace.  Another said that Empaths are the next evolutionary stage of the human race.  And still others were known to equate Empaths with lightworkers, who according to the new age movement, are supposed to be people oriented with the ‘light’ who are saviors, of a sort, who help others….healers, if you will.

 Empaths are the meek, the healers, the spiritual leaders, saviors, and/or evolutionary stages.  On one hand, these notions can lift someone up extremely high, giving them a sense of purpose and a drive to do outreach. It can inspire great works of altruism in people who might otherwise never have realized what they are capable of doing.  And these, in every sense of the word, are absolutely beautiful things.

But at the same time, think about the ideal that is being set on the shoulders of these people.  They have a divine purpose to be spiritual leaders to usher in a new age of man.  This has the power to separate people, who are already suffering from social anxiety issues,  from the whole of society, thus robbing them of their support system of friends and family.  It has the power to drive people away from their current lives and realities, while leaning them toward the preferred ideas that they are spiritual adepts with great purpose.  They are special and unique, not part of the ‘normal’ human race.  This ideal gives supposed understanding into what has always made them feel so different and apart from society as a whole.

But these answers do not address a person’s real issues.  They do not allow for real growth, spiritual or otherwise, because once you imagine yourself at the top of the mountain, standing at it’s peak looking down at others still climbing, where is there to go?  Where is there to go when you stand at the pinnacle and the precipice?

When one stand at that point, or imagine one stands at it, the hopelessness can return.  So one turns to altruism, burying themselves in helping others.  And in so doing, one can run the risk of losing themselves even more than they already have, because this is what makes you, as a person, worthwhile.  This and this alone.  And your worth is only proven by the next person you are able to help.

Imagine the crash and burn someone can potentially suffer if they discover themselves burned out and broken from giving so much of themselves, in order to prove their own worth, that there is nothing left but a hallow husk.

And all of this, because one is afraid to face one simple question: “What if those whispers are right?”

The Dyadic Facets Of Nothingness

“I am nothing.  I am nobody.  I am garbage.  I am a waste of space.  The air that I breath is wasted and would be better spent on someone more worthy than I.  My very existence has no purpose….no meaning…other than to be a burden upon others.”

It’s still just as harsh to read now, as it was at the beginning of this blog.  It makes you cringe inside just a little bit, because it niggles at the question in your mind, based on your doubts and your fears.

There is no set equation for self esteem or the building of it.  There is no right way or wrong way, to my knowledge.  Nor am I writing these to offer you a step by step plan toward that end.  What I can offer each of you instead, through this blog, is a shift in perception that can potentially help you stop the flight or fight response that is aroused every time you contemplate being nothing.

Instead of fighting to prove your worth when you hear derogatory comments like those above, be it from yourself or others, try accepting it.  And then try imagining that those comments are but one side of a coin in which you are nothing and equally all things.  See that if your life has no purpose, then it has the greatest purpose you can imagine.  And that if nothing matters in this lifetime, then even the smallest of gestures matters in untold numbers of way.

It is extremely humbling to accept the idea of being ‘nothing’.  It is painful and goes against everything we have learned since the cradle.  It smacks of giving up and accepting yourself as a failure.  And it can drive a person into a great depression, a dark night of the soul, where in you doubt and question all of your long held ideas, feelings and beliefs.  And it can be the beginning of a long journey and potentially one of great healing for yourself, where, along the way you discover that the hole inside yourself was always…..just an illusion.

And here is the interesting part of all of this, it all starts with one small shift in perception.  It all starts with saying to yourself, the one thing you would never rationally say, “I am nothing.”.  Through that darkness we call nothing lays a portal waiting to take you where you need to go in order to heal.  It’s all up to you, though, when and if you are ready to face the unknown within yourself and for the first time in your life, get to know the real you…good, bad, and hairy alike.  Think about it.

Namaste

Sunrise

Inquisitive thought inspired by the stop of time
Long lost meaning bleeding through the pages line by line
The ink gives structure to an otherwise confusing reality,
Drawing blood from the perception of mortality while
Simultaneously existing in a world fixed in duality.

An angel smiles at the dawning of the day
A voiceless whisper illuminates me back to guide my way
Her crystal tears wash away yesterdays sin
Sweeps it up in in the soft and gentle hands of the wind,
Never Again to reflected on the face of my kin.

Purple highlights entangles in a blaze of orange glow
Minute by minute, second by second I began to let go
Echoes of a dream reflected in her shine
Line by line Illustrated in this painted rhyme

Moment by moment the constellations began to die
Your song the hymn as the stars start to cry
A vision of light rips realities seam
A path illuminated by a crystal beam
Shows me the way back from this dream

Ever so slowly I began to understand
Your voice was the light that took me by the hand
Twisting my perception you continuously call me home
Behind the restrictions of life that have become overgrown
Reminding me always… your never alone.

The Empath Community and I

About four years ago I was looking up the word Empath, hoping to find a place where I could meet other people like myself. I did that periodically over the years I’ve been online…usually to no avail. But this time I came across a place called Empath Community.

It’s owner embraced me, as did it’s members. And after sometime, it felt like a second home and my connection with those people much like a close nit family. We laughed together. We cried together. And we learned with one another through study and sharing. Even now, years later, each and every one of those people, from owner to lurkers, still mean a great deal to me for what each of them, in turn, offered to me by way of friendship, compassion, understanding and friendship. They were my teachers and my guides along the road of self discovery that I walked. And quite a few of them were the inspiration for many of the blogs on EP.

I became a moderator of this forum site, not to long after I joined. And soon after that, I began to write the many blogs here on Empathic Perspectives, though at the time it was a group on Empath Community instead of a blog site. As I grew in that position, of moderator, I began to steadily work with more and more of the people who came onto that site with question after question.

While there in the capacity of moderator, I witnessed fights amongst members, flame wars, heated religious debates, people attempting to play messiah to all of the wounded folk who came to EC, spammers, witch hunts, horrid apathy and ultimately, to many other negative things to mention in one blog. I also witnessed compassion, like I’d never seen before, deep abiding friendships forged out of common interests and needs, and so much love, that it would either rot your teeth (for being so damn sweet) or it would melt your heart because it was so warm and welcoming. More than once in my years on that site, did I find myself in tears, awestruck by the amazing energy that encompassed the site and it’s many members.

In the background of all that was happening on the site, I was stretching myself thin emotionally…ultimately to my breaking point. Each new menace on the site took it’s toll on me. Sometimes I felt like I was drowning in the needs of so many and I wanted so very much to help each and every person. But it took emotional exhaustion for me to realize that I couldn’t be all things to all people and still remain true to who I am. So I left both the moderator position and the site itself.

About a year later, after witnessing much deterioration on Empath Community within it’s chat room, I again took the job of moderator. I did it to bring some order back to the site and to give people some peace of mind. This meant, to some degree, that I had to be a hard ass, which left some members asking me, where was the old Misu who seemed to give without reserve, because she didn’t exist anymore. Of course, I had no real answer for them except to say I had grown and changed. And that I was important to me, as well as, all of those members seeking help.

The journey this blog is taking you on has now come to a time that is very recent, very close to the present, where I found myself once again suffering from emotional exhaustion and burnout. Doing the moderator thing was like going through the motions most of the time. But after all of those years of caring for this forum site and deep friendship (or so I thought) with it’s owner, I was summarily dismissed as a moderator with comments like my judgment was impaired. Accusations were laid to bear, as well, and judgments made, despite what I said or how honest I was. And because of this very traumatic incident, I broke down.

Now any reasonable person might ask how one can break down from stuff that happened on a forum site. And that would be a fair question. But anyone who has dedicated their time, willingly without expectation, to something they love and/or are passionate about, will tell you the same. You become emotionally invested in that experience. It is, in a way, an extension of you.

As things began to escalate on the site, I was banned. And then I was brought back with the offer of owning Empath Community, with the stipulation that I would have to endure public humiliation on the same site I was being offered. Upon my refusal and the establishment of new moderators on site, I was again banned from site, being told only that I was no a good fit for Empath Community.(the irony of this never ceases to make me laugh)

So from that time to now, I have been, for the most part, unable to write while I was nursing my broken heart and healing. But I getting better now and I feel more apt to be able to write. I also feel it necessary to say, that despite what happens publicly or privately, we (the writers of EP) will keep learning, growing, and sharing our many different perspectives with each and every one of you.

The Empath Community and I

About four years ago I was looking up the word Empath, hoping to find a place where I could meet other people like myself.  I did that periodically over the years I’ve been online…usually to no avail.  But this time I came across a place called Empath Community.

 

It’s owner embraced me, as did it’s members.  And after sometime, it felt like a second home and my connection with those people much like a close nit family.  We laughed together.  We cried together.  And we learned with one another through study and sharing.  Even now, years later, each and every one of those people, from owner to lurkers, still mean a great deal to me for what each of them, in turn, offered to me by way of friendship, compassion, understanding and friendship.  They were my teachers and my guides along the road of self discovery that I walked.  And quite a few of them were the inspiration for many of the blogs on EP.

 

I became a moderator of this forum site, not to long after I joined.  And soon after that, I began to write the many blogs here on Empathic Perspectives, though at the time it was a group on Empath Community instead of a blog site.  As I grew in that position, of moderator, I began to steadily work with more and more of the people who came onto that site with question after question.

 

While there in the capacity of moderator, I witnessed fights amongst members, flame wars, heated religious debates, people attempting to play messiah to all of the wounded folk who came to EC, spammers, witch hunts, horrid apathy and ultimately, to many other negative things to mention in one blog.  I also witnessed compassion, like I’d never seen before, deep abiding friendships forged out of common interests and needs, and so much love, that it would either rot your teeth (for being so damn sweet) or it would melt your heart because it was so warm and welcoming.  More than once in my years on that site, did I find myself in tears, awestruck by the amazing energy that encompassed the site and it’s many members.

 

In the background of all that was happening on the site, I was stretching myself thin emotionally…ultimately to my breaking point.  Each new menace on the site took it’s toll on me.  Sometimes I felt like I was drowning in the needs of so many and I wanted so very much to help each and every person.  But it took emotional exhaustion for me to realize that I couldn’t be all things to all people and still remain true to who I am.

 

About a year later, after witnessing much deterioration on Empath Community within it’s chat room, I again took the job of moderator.  I did it to bring some order back to the site and to give people some peace of mind.  This meant, to some degree, that I had to be a hard ass, which left some members asking me, where was the old Misu who seemed to give without reserve, because she didn’t exist anymore.  Of course, I had no real answer for them except to say I had grown and changed.  And that I was important to me, as well as, all of those members seeking help.

 

The journey this blog is taking you on  has now come to a time that is very recent, very close to the present, where I found myself once again suffering from emotional exhaustion and burnout.  Doing the moderator thing was like going through the motions most of the time.  But after all of those years of caring for this forum site and deep friendship (or so I thought) with it’s owner, I was summarily dismissed as a moderator with comments like my judgment was impaired.  Accusations were laid to bear, as well, and judgments made, despite what I said or how honest I was.  And because of this very traumatic incident, I broke down.

 

Now any reasonable person might ask how one can break down from stuff that happened on a forum site.  And that would be a fair question.  But anyone who has dedicated their time, willingly without expectation, to something they love and/or are passionate about, will tell you the same.  You become emotionally invested in that experience.  It is, in a way, an extension of you.

 

As things began to escalate on the site, I was banned.  And then I was brought back with the offer of owning Empath Community, with the stipulation that I would have to endure public humiliation on the same site I was being offered.  Upon my refusal and the establishment of new moderators on site, I was again banned from site, being told only that I was no a good fit for Empath Community.(the irony of this never ceases to make me laugh)

 

So from that time to now, I have been, for the most part, unable to write while I was nursing my broken heart and healing.  But I getting better now and I feel more apt to be able to write.  I also feel it necessary to say, that despite what happens publicly or privately, we (the writers of EP) will keep learning, growing, and sharing our many different perspectives with each and every one of you.

 

Deconstructing The Highly Sensitive Person Part 1

There are a great many perspectives to take when it comes to Highly Sensitive People and Empaths. For one, you can see it through a psychic lens, watching the flow of energy from one point to another, or you can view it through a religious lens, the ability of discernment. However, for the scope of this blog, I’ll take a scientific and psychological perspective. I’ll break down the causes and effects of being Highly Sensitive, as well as examine exactly how it all works to make one empathic, as opposed to empathetic.

Deconstructing The Highly Sensitive Person Part 2

Earlier I wrote the first part of this blog series, you can find it here. This blog is more of a personal nature. I examined the archetypal empath from many perspectives, mostly scientific and psychological, but there was very little of an actual HSP inside. This blog is the other half. The yin to it’s yang.

A more apt title would probably be: Confessions of a Highly Sensitive Person

>Is Empathy Really a Gift?

>Is Empathy Really a Gift?

     A lot of people believe Empathy is a gift. I don’t go that far, I just identify with the term in a lot of different ways but the bottom line is that empathy is a natural part of me. I could chalk all this up to semantics but in my experience, people really embody the term empathy. This spiritual actualization deserves a closer look.

What is gift? The free dictionary on Bing says this:
Definitions of gift (n)

gift [ gift ] something given: something that is given to somebody, usually on order to provide pleasure or to show gratitude special talent: a natural ability that somebody appears to have been born with, especially

an artistic ability or social skill

act of giving: the act of giving something to somebody

Synonyms: present, donation, contribution, reward, bequest, award, endowment, grant, offering

    Empathy as a gift is usually seen in the usage of ‘a natural ability that somebody appears to have been born with, especially an artistic ability or social skill’. Everyone is born with empathy to some degree or another, so in a loose sense, empathy is a gift.

    I got to thinking about Empathy as a gift after musing on the book, “A Wrinkle In Time” by Madeleine L’Engle. In chapter 6 ‘The Happy Medium’ the main character and her younger brother and new friend are given gifts. These gifts are necessary for Meg (the main Character) and company to defeat the “It” who has ensorceled Meg’s father.

Below is an excerpt;
“You will need help,” Mrs. Whatsit told them, “but all I am allowed to give you is a little talisman. Calvin (The Friend), your great gift is your ability to communicate, to communicate with all kinds of people. So, for you, I will strengthen this gift. Meg, I give you your faults.”


“My Faults!” Meg cried.


“Your faults.”


“But I’m always trying to get rid of my faults!”

At first glance, these seem like lousy gifts, if they are gifts at all. Calvin already possesses the gift of communication (Empathy anyone?) And Meg clearly has and acknowledges her faults. It is a clever bit of irony, making gifts of gifts but there is a deeper meaning hidden in Meg’s faults.

What is a fault?

Again, the free dictionary defines fault as;
Definitions of fault (n)
fault [ fawlt ] responsibility for mistake: responsibility for a mistake, failure, or act of wrongdoing
personal shortcoming: a failing or character weakness in somebody
defect: something that detracts from the integrity, functioning, or perfection of something  else
Synonyms: responsibility, liability, burden, culpability, accountability

    In the story, Meg’s faults are stubbornness, obstinance and her innate ability to think for herself. Meg’s personality leaves her little room to be anything but herself. In Meg’s teenage world, this is a huge fault and causes her nothing but difficulty in her everyday life. In the unique circumstance of saving her father from an entity known as “It”, everyone will depend on Meg’s constant flaws to break away from the indulgent “It”.
   
    The real gift isn’t Meg’s faults but her new found knowledge that her faults, if applied correctly aren’t faults at  all but a huge and necessary gift.
That is what empathy is to me, a sometimes fault that requires us to gain knowledge so we can utilize the gift of empathy effectively.

“Simple Gifts”

written by Elder Joseph

‘Tis the gift to be simple, ’tis the gift to be free

‘Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

‘Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gain’d,

To bow and bend we shan’t be asham’d,

To turn, turn will be our delight,

Till by turning, turning we come ’round right

Ecclesiastes 3:11

“He hath made every thing beautiful in its time: also he hath set the world in their heart, yet so that man cannot find out the work that God hath done from the beginning even to the end.”

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>Spare some change?

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“Change is the essence of life.Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”

-Mahatma Ghandi

The word ‘change’ frightens many people. Maybe it’s because of its connection to the word ‘chaos’, maybe it’s because of humanity’s innate fear of the unknown. Let’s be honest here, we’re all afraid that one day, we’ll wake up and our life as we know it will be turned on its head. People naturally prefer the safety and comfort of what they know over the vast, deep, dark unknown.

Here’s an interesting fact about change, though: add the word ‘life’ as a prefix, and suddenly it becomes much less terrifying. This simple word, once synonomous with chaos and unpredictability, becomes synonomous with growth and personal development. If stagnation is the greatest enemy of mankind, most of us seek that one experience in life that ‘throws open the doors’ so to speak. Call it what you will: enlightenment, a personal connection to God, the love of your friends and family, or simply the realization that maybe, just maybe, you don’t have it as bad as you think. It all boils down to this: we all seek that one pivotal life-changing moment.

Change may be associated with chaos, but do you know what it’s also associated with? Growth. Development. Every invention of mankind started with someone looking at the world around him and wanting to improve it. Every major philosophy, every major religion, began when someone chose to shake off the bonds of stagnation and take a single step into the aforementioned deep, dark unknown. To take it to a more personal level, look at your life. I guarantee that every major accomplishment you have ever made was due to your desire to change, to grow and to further develop yourself.

Here’s another interesting fact of change, and one that is best illustrated by a simple quote:

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

This quote, taken from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, has always stayed in my mind. No matter how disastrous an event may seem, there is always, always, always something to learn from it. Even in the midst of chaos, even in the darkest moment of your life, change is still pushing us to learn, grow and improve ourselves. This bears repeating in bright red, italicized text: there is always something to learn from every situation!

As a matter of fact, I recently had this conversation with my sister. To test this belief, she threw a number of increasingly disastrous, dark events at me. Maybe it’s due to my annoyingly optimistic outlook on life, but I was able to find a silver lining in each and every event. As chaotic as the world may be at times, it’s my firm belief that there is always a lesson to be learned.

To illustrate this point, I’ll share a fairly recent event in my life, as well as the lessons I learned from this particular change:

In December of last year, shortly after Christmas, I found myself pulled into the manager’s office at work. This in and of itself wasn’t all too surprising: I am at heart a rather lazy and easily distracted person, and have difficulty applying myself to a task for more than a few hours. (As a quick aside, this is why I’m not as prolific an author here as, say, Misu. Also, she’s more interesting than I am, but I digress.)

Despite this aspect of my personality making me less than popular with my bosses, I had always seen myself as an indispensable part of my job. As it turns out, this was not so, and I quickly found myself without a job. Life lesson learned: rein in your ego, you are never as indispensable as you think.

What made this situation worse was that I was less than $300 from paying off my car. I had always taken great pride in my vehicle, and saw it as my first move towards true independence and a major accomplishment in my life. Now here I was, without a job and facing the fact that I may lose my car. Thankfully, a friend came through for me and loaned me the $300. Life lesson learned: there are some people who will be there for you, no matter what. Appreciate these people.

To make a long story short, I was without a job for almost a month. Despite my inherent laziness, I do not enjoy being unemployed. Although I grew desperate over this month, an opportunity for employment finally fell into my lap. While it may not be the best or highest-paying job in the world, it’s still a job. It puts food in my stomach, gas in my car, and occasionally allows me to enjoy an alcoholic beverage and some horrible karaoke with friends. Special life lesson two-for-one: it could always be worse, and, given time, it gets better.

I’m sure you can think of more profound examples in your life. I can most certainly think of more profound examples in mine. I just chose this one as a simple, fairly recent example that I could illustrate with my own special brand of annoying humor.

The fact of the matter is this: for every door that slams in your face, countless others open. Don’t be afraid to step through those doors, and don’t fear the changes in your life. Accept them as they come, make the most of them, learn from them. Take a lesson from every event, every change, in your life and never stop growing.

Isn’t that what life’s all about?